fredag 11 juli 2014

The fear of being a nobody

Today I'm going to write about something that has been with me since I was a kid - The fear of being a "nobody". Or, more accurately, being a "regular person". I've always known since I was around 6 or 8, when the grown ups around me started asking questions about what I wanted to be when I grow up, that I didn't want to be like them. Nothing in their lives interested me. I wasn't the kid who wanted to be a pilot, a doctor, an astronaut, a scientist, a sports-champ, a whathaveyou. I was only interested in being me, drawing and singing. As a kid, not knowing what I wanted to "be", naturally, didn't really bother me that much. I just got a little irritated when I got asked over and over again, having already replied "I don't know!". I just wanted to sing and draw.
I didn't really feel anxious about it until I was around 14-15. Around that age in Sweden, you're supposed to make a choice in what program you'll go to in what gymnasium (sort of a high-school with high emphasis on either workplace related practical learning OR academic related learning), and that's one of the first choices in your life that will have an impact (although small) on your adult life.
...Which honestly is really stupid, because asking a 15 year old (who barely knows themselves may I add) what they want to work with 10-20 years down the line...
Long story short, the only program I wanted to attend was the music and aesthetics program, which my parents didn't want me to go, because it was "hippie crap" and wouldn't get me a job in the future. I suppose I didn't help that I looked like this at the time:

So I ended up at a program focusing on photography and the media and switched after two years of disinterest and unattended classes to another school, where I studied what I originally wanted to do.

Today, as an adult, I'm just beginning to grasp what I want to "be". What I want to do. And that is doing something artistic. I've more and more come to the realisation that I will probably never "be" anything totally "proper", like a doctor is doctor and I've more or less made peace with that idea. Life isn't as black and white as some can make it seem, . It's okay to "not know". And it's okay to have dreams and ideas that aren't "proper" dreams. You'll manage to get by anyway, somehow. I do.

onsdag 2 juli 2014

Fantasy level: Low.

It seems I've lost all imagination for dressing casual. I have to wear a uniform to work, so whenever I'm free I like to dress comfy, so here's how that looks. Trying hard to maintain a certain level of fab!

I'm going to change the subject now; There's something that has been bothering me for quite a while.
It's about humour and being funny, and how that makes people feel about you.
I don't want to say I'm part of a certain clique or anything since I don't like to put labels on myself, but I do hang around with/or could be grouped with a certain kind of people. I like to call them "skogsgoth" (direct translation: forest-goth) and/or "black metal" people. I think I'm drawn in by the aesthetics of it all, the occult things that are all around that subculture.
My problem with it all is how serious everything has to be with these people. I feel like image is everything to these people and sure, to a certain extent, I care a lot about my image. All tough to me, that doesn't mean I can't act silly from time to time. Each and every time I post something that I feel is funny, wherever I might post it, I always feel like I get critiqued by this kind of people. It's starting to bug me.
I also have a problem with how they all seem to be afraid of new stuff within the genre - take black metal for an example.
Almost as soon as a new band pops up that gains a certain amount of fame, these backward people are all over it, condemning it's fame and talking about how "untrue" it is even though it has the right sound, while at the same time complaining about the scene dying. COME ON YOU GUYS. Either let the scene develop and renew itself (it wasn't all fantastic in the old days y'know) or let it rest and rot and die.
Sorry for being such a sourpuss. I just have a hard time understanding and dealing with these people.

torsdag 26 juni 2014

Working my ass off

I've been very busy lately. Summers are always very stressful and sleepless for me as I have to take a part-time job to make da moneyz. There's no school during june - july - augusti and therefore, no student loans for me. So I have a daytime job as a waitress at a hotel. And I have to wake up around 5AM because of it, since I am responsible for the breakfast there...
...Which sucks since everybody knows I am truly a vampire. 

This is also some work I do! Although this is much more fun. I love changing these old, beautiful coffeecups with these quirky little texts. I opened up an Etsy to sell these, as well as some prints (prints and other things will be up later) - Here's the link.

And here's a sweet note to end on - I'm getting a new tattoo!
This is what the studio (Speakeasy Tattooparlour) I go to looks like. It's so pretty, I could totally spend all day and night there. And yes, that's my book on the table. I'm currently reading Lestat by Anne Rice. Last summer I read Interview with the Vampire so I thought it would be appropriate to continue reading the series this summer. There's just something about summers that makes me want to read vampire novels!
Do you read any during the summer season? If so, what? Any good reads to tell me about?

onsdag 11 juni 2014

A storm's brewing

Today was a very gloomy day, at least the weather was. But it was rather warm and humid! I brought my good friend Jonas along on a walk out in the woods, not very far from where I live. I think it's rather funny that I live about 30mins outside Stockholm city and this is what it looks like. Sweden's tiny!

Lake Getaren.
This is actually the door to a wooden "kåta". You can sleep here if you want.
We found an abandoned house! Spooky.
Dress from youreyeslie, and the.. Chiffon.. Whatever you call it, is from Monki. I've really been rocking the witchbitch look lately, living up to my new years resolution!

torsdag 5 juni 2014

Satan's in the fields

I was at the King Dude in Stockholm 2/6. It was amazing. Then we all headed out for fireball shots and whiskey.

onsdag 28 maj 2014


Sometimes, people come up to me and say my skin is like porcelain. Well folks - THIS FACE IS A LIE. (It's really a cake.) Anywho, I have terrible skin. Especially at times like these - it's warm outside and I'm stressed and sleep less than 5hrs every night. Thanks, exams and random animals in the nearby woods. So I thought I should give MAC's Face & Body foundation a try. I got two samples, because me and the girl at the counter couldn't figure out which tone would suit me best. Apparently my face is a mishmash.
Nakedface ahoy!
Today I tried N1, it has a red/neutral undertone. Safeee.

1 thin application later, as you can see, a lot of the redness is gone.

Full warpaint on! And concealer in the places where it was needed.
All in all, this foundation felt lovely on my skin. It was soothing and cool, after applying it felt like I had nothing on at all. It's very thin and translucent, but it can be built up a little. If you have a demons having a party right on your face, you might need concealer to come in to preform an exorcism though. Other than that, I think I might run out and buy this!
4/5 pawclaws.

lördag 24 maj 2014

Summer and bodyimage

What happens in Sweden every year during springtime, is that spring never fully blooms and we jump from +10*C to +25*C and summertime in just a two days. So I took the time spend a whole day outside in the sun with a friend.
I think this is the first year since I was ~14 that I actually feel really comfortable in my body, showing this much skin, so I thought I'd celebrate with shamelessly posting a picture of me in bikini!

I think me and many other girls are very self aware about how we and especially our bodies and are quick to criticize ourselves about it. (I know guys do this too, but I don't possess a penis and I can only truthfully speak from a girl-perspective).
"My thighs are too big, my tummy is too pouty, my breasts are too small, my arms are too sloppy"-etc. Why do we do this to ourselves? It serves absolutely no purpose other than making is insecure. One big factor of course, is the media. Think about it, where was the last place you saw a lightly dressed woman? Was it perhaps in an advert? Or some fashion article? My guess is yes, unless you live close to a beach. And what kind of a body was it? Did she have a petit waist? A thigh gap? Perfect hair? Perfect breasts? My guess again is yes. This is what the media is normalizing. Yet less than 95% of women are of that particular body type. And one thing we often forget is the magic that is Photoshop. The women in these ads have "flaws“ too. The editors are just not letting them show.
Going to end this text here before it turns into wall of text.txt now, but hey:

This summer, I want to reclaim our bodies. I want to see different, ordinary bodies normalized. I want to see you in short shorts despite stretch marks and cellulite! And I want naysayers to just